Anger, tantrums and other big emotions
Learn to understand and address the unique challenges of anger, frustration and tantrums for deaf children.
Understanding what's behind big feelings
Deaf children experience the same wide range of emotions as hearing children, but there are unique factors related to hearing loss that can make managing emotions more complicated – for you and for them. Understanding these underlying factors can help you adapt and find what works for you and your child.
We often get questions about anger and tantrums in deaf children. Although these are common (and often developmentally appropriate) behaviours for young children, they can feel more challenging for deaf children – and they're more likely to happen if they're feeling frustrated about not being able to effectively communicate about things like:
- frustration about “missing out” or being left out
- sensory overload
- hunger
- discomfort
- other emotional, social or physical needs
When big feelings feel big for everyone
Engaging with a deaf child when they're angry or having a tantrum can be challenging for you, too – especially if they ignore you and turn off (or refuse to wear) their hearing devices. Try to remind yourself that your child’s anger may be linked to the unique struggles they face, and we all have ups and downs while we’re trying to get our needs met.
You don’t have to handle every tantrum, outburst or big emotion perfectly – or on your own. If you make a mistake, you can always share that with your child and talk about what to do differently next time. (This is also a great way of modelling accountability for them!) And it’s OK if you need to ask for help or tag in someone else from your support network.
Helping hearing siblings
If your deaf child has a hearing sibling, our ‘Me and my deaf brother or sister’ activity books (one for siblings aged 5 and under and another for siblings aged 6 and up) might help them understand and empathise with their deaf sibling.
Tips that might help with big emotions
There’s not one tip for anger and tantrums that will work with every child or every situation, but for the most part, anger and tantrums are ways for children to communicate what they can’t put into words. You may find it helpful to start with figuring out the unmet need behind the feelings.
Here are a few unmet needs and relevant suggestions:
Struggles with communication
- Offer multiple ways for your child to communicate – such as sign language, flashcards, physical cues (like putting their hand on your shoulder when they want your attention) and/or speech.
- Think about how to help when communication choices change, and make sure your child (and any adults who are caring for them) know how to care for hearing aids, implants and any assistive technology your child uses.
Lack of confidence
- If your child is asked to do something they can’t do (or lack the confidence to do), that might translate into outbursts.
- Practice new skills together, and break each task down with clear instructions and prompts of what to do.
- Personal passports and profiles are a great place to remind teachers and activity leaders to look out for confusion.
Wanting control
- Being told what to do all of the time can be tiring, so try to get into the habit of providing realistic choices early on.
- Helping your child be involved in decision-making can curb rebellion and communication issues later on.
Difficulty expressing emotions
- Practice naming emotions and needs in calm moments.
- Start simple, and consider using visual options (such as flashcards). For example, try happy, sad, angry or disgusted for emotions, and try rest, quiet, food, drink, hug or movement for needs.
- Offer multiple ways to communicate, too; tools like our free ‘What are you feeling?’ workbook, the How We Feel app or emotion wheels (such as this one from Mental Health Center Kids) can help identify emotions.
Unmet needs
- At all ages, it’s good to think about whether water, food, sunshine or rest are needed.
- Get creative; for example, if your child protests that they’re not sleepy, try other forms of rest like drawing, reading or having a bath.
Overstimulation
- Routines help children know what to expect next, which can reduce anxiety, but if your child is overstimulated due to a break in the routine or other environmental factors, create some space for rest.
- Our section on tiredness and concentration fatigue has more details.
Social challenges
- If your child is the only deaf child they know (or if others assume they’re hearing, not deaf), your family might like to explore local groups or online events.
- Tools that help hearing peers understand deafness – like these early years videos or deaf awareness posters – can be helpful, too.
Identity and acceptance
- Figuring out who we are is an ongoing and sometimes challenging journey. Our information on deaf identity is designed to help you and your child with it.
- You can also find role models who can provide helpful examples of coping with challenges and living confidently with deafness (whether it’s temporary or permanent, unilateral or bilateral, mild or profound).
Getting support
If you're worried about your child’s big emotions turning into serious emotional health and wellbeing struggles, we encourage you to reach out to our Helpline or to one of the suggested organisations on our page about emotional health and wellbeing for more help.
Common challenges and tips for different ages and stages
Although every deaf child is different, we’ve gathered some generalisations about the big emotions your deaf child might have throughout their lives. In general, understanding why the emotion's there and what it’s trying to say can be helpful – and the same goes for positive reinforcement (like using praise, reward charts or modelling the behaviour you want to see).
Early years (0 to 4)
Even in the early stages of life, deaf babies and toddlers experience emotions and may display frustration or discomfort. But it’s often hard for them to express themselves in words. Plus, having hearing loss may mean that your deaf child is more likely to be startled or less likely to hear comforting noises such as soothing voices, music and environmental sounds.
Signs of big emotions
For deaf children aged 0 to 4, look out for:
- difficulty sleeping or more frequent waking
- crying or fussing due to discomfort or unmet needs
- frustration, anger or tantrums, especially when feeling misunderstood or unable to communicate effectively
- aggression (such as hitting, biting or throwing hearing devices) when they’re overwhelmed during the toddler years
How to help
- Introduce visual cues early on – such as simple sign language, gestures or picture cards – to communicate needs, feelings and wants.
- Create or offer a calm, sensory-friendly environment to reduce external stress, especially since a lack of auditory input can make other stimuli feel overwhelming.
- Respond to their emotional cues using facial expressions, body language and touch. Visual and physical interactions help them learn they can rely on others for comfort.
- As your child grows, explore with them which ‘calm down’ methods they prefer. It could be something as simple as counting to 10, deep breathing or defusing the situation with a joke.
- If your child is in childcare, help them learn about things like concentration fatigue. You might find our tips on choosing deaf-friendly childcare providers helpful, too.
Early school age (4 to 7 years)
At this stage, deaf children are developing their communication skills, but they may still struggle with expressing emotions. School may be overwhelming, especially if they don’t get enough support for their communication needs. Issues like bullying, difficulty in class or struggling to keep up with peers can all contribute to big emotions.
Signs of big emotions
For deaf children aged 4 to 7, look out for:
- increased irritability, frustration or refusal to cooperate
- acting out in response to feeling misunderstood or unsupported
- feelings of isolation, particularly if they have difficulty communicating with hearing peers
How to help
- Put together a personal passport, and work with the school on a support plan. Specify support that helps, such as a Teacher of the Deaf or sign language interpreters in the classroom.
- If your child is in school, help educators learn about things like concentration fatigue. Our section on education and learning offers tailored information about early years, primary, secondary and post-16 settings across England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales.
- Reinforce their self-esteem by celebrating their unique qualities and achievements.
- Use role-play to teach them how to express emotions in a healthy, constructive way. (You might find it easier to show clips from films, such as Inside Out.)
- Encourage them to talk about their day, their friends and any challenges they may be facing.
Have you seen our videos for hearing peers in the early years?
Using characters from the beloved tale of 'Elephant and the lost blanket', this free series of 5 videos are designed to help children in the early years understand how to support their deaf peers. These short, fun and colourful animated videos feature subtitles and an on-screen British Sign Language interpreter.
Children and pre-teens (7 to 12 Years)
As children move into their pre-teen years, they begin to experience more complex emotions. This can be especially true for deaf children, who are navigating both their hearing loss and the broader world around them. Self-esteem may be a major issue during these years, and the desire to fit in can heighten emotional struggles.
Signs of big emotions
For deaf children aged 7 to 12, look out for:
- increased frustration, especially in social situations where communication is challenging
- changes in communication, big personality changes or withdrawal from friends or family – often out of fear of being judged or misunderstood
- low self-esteem, particularly related to their hearing loss or communication struggles
- anger or sadness related to feeling different from their peers
How to help
- Encourage involvement in group activities with other deaf children or supportive environments where they can communicate openly. (Explore our local groups and online options.)
- Deaf children are so much more than their deafness, so help them explore and name the interests and things that make them who they are. It may seem counterintuitive, but stepping back from deafness can actually help them figure out how deafness integrates into their overall identity.
- Offer a variety of coping strategies (such as video editing, drawing or other creative outlets) to express emotions.
- Normalise their experiences by sharing stories of other deaf individuals. In addition to helping them feel less alone, stories about deaf teenagers and young adults may help your child explore their own future.
- Read our tips on how to support a deaf young person’s deaf identity, and share our page about exploring their deaf identity with them.
- Help them practice self-advocacy by teaching them how to explain their needs, whether it’s at school or in social situations.
- If your child is in school, encourage their teachers to learn about things like concentration fatigue. Our information on moving to secondary school contains tips to help you and your child with the transition.
Getting the right help in school
Support plans are designed to specify what helps in school. In England, it’s called an education, health and care plan (EHCP). Northern Ireland uses Statements of Special Educational Needs. Scotland follows Getting It Right for Every Child (GIRFEC). In Wales, it’s called an individual development plan (IDP). However, support plans are just one aspect, and even without one, your child has a legal right to support.
Teenagers (13+ Years)
Teenagers experience emotions with greater intensity, particularly during puberty. And for deaf teens, these emotions may be compounded by ongoing struggles with identity, communication and fitting in.
Issues such as peer pressure, others' assumptions about deafness and body image can all contribute to feelings of frustration, anger and sadness. Add in navigating relationships and searching for a like-minded community, and it’s easy to see why there might be big emotional outbursts or even isolation.
Signs of big emotions
For deaf children aged 13 and above, look out for:
- challenges with authority figures or peers linked to mood swings or irritability
- low self-esteem and concerns about their deafness in relation to their peers
- rebellion or refusing to use hearing devices as a way to gain control
- anxiety or depression stemming from social or academic pressures
How to help
- Avoid minimising their experiences. Instead, validate their emotions by letting them know their feelings are heard and understood.
- Create opportunities for your teen to connect with other deaf teens, whether through online communities or local groups.
- Support their involvement in activities they’re passionate about, allowing them to express themselves outside of their deafness.
- For contentious topics, try to involve your wider support network. At this age, your child might not take your advice – but they might be more open to what a teacher, healthcare professional or family friend has to say.
- Encourage them to speak openly about their struggles and offer professional help if needed, such as therapy or counselling.
Top tips from other parents
Remember, every child is different, so experimenting with different strategies and finding what works in that moment is key. As one parent put it, “It gets better with time, and we find ways to navigate the emotional rollercoaster together.”
Here are a few other tips that have been shared with us:
- “When my child throws a tantrum, I use a calming technique we learned from our Teacher of the Deaf – talking on his hand so he can feel the vibrations. This helps him calm down.”
- “I let my child run around barefoot when they're upset. Feeling the vibrations in their feet helps them feel grounded (and reduces their feelings of frustration).”
- “My daughter is very visual, so I use a sticker chart. She can see her progress throughout the day, and it helps her stay motivated and manage her emotions.”
As frustrating as it can be, big emotions are a normal part of growing up. While deaf children may face some additional challenges, we know that with the right support, they can learn how to express their feelings in healthy ways.
Whether it’s through the power of communication, self-advocacy or simply knowing they’re not alone, your understanding and patience can make all the difference in helping your child navigate their emotional world.
Does your support network include extended family and friends?
Our 'Providing support: A guide for extended families and friends' page offers practical tips and resources that can help grandparents and your wider support network support you and your deaf child.
Full references for this webpage are available by emailing
informationteam@ndcs.org.uk