A mother's story: Part 2Published Date: 14 Jan 2021
Wow, where do I even begin, so much changed after 2018 where I ended my last blog. That time was still very early on in our journey and although I was trying to be brave and show I was strong, deep down I was still struggling to take everything in. I was still very scared about the unknown and what our future may hold.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m a closed book and I don't like to show my emotions, if I have to face something difficult I tend to put a guard up and go full force into it to keep me occupied. I bottle up all my emotions. After Kenzie was fitted with his hearing aids in 2018, I decided to focus on the future. I tried to increase awareness as much as I could and help others just like us so they didn't have to feel so alone like I did. But looking back now I realise that by doing this, I didn't truly give myself the time I needed to let it all sink in properly and I didn't allow myself time to come to terms with everything fully.
Lots happened during that time, Kenzie’s dad and I separated and I became a single parent having to face it all alone. This only made me more determined to be strong and brave. My little boy needed me to be. I’m also thankful for my amazing family who are always by my side.
Being a single parent is tough, as I'm sure anyone in the same position would agree. I have to juggle a demanding full-time job, a home and, of course, take care of my gorgeous baby boy and give him the best life possible. But it also has its rewards too. The bond between me and Kenzie is like no other, we are so close. I genuinely mean it when I say he’s my best friend. We do absolutely everything together. All my time is dedicated to him and we spend our days playing, having fun and creating incredible memories.
But I constantly ask myself if what I’m doing is enough? Should I be spending more time with Kenzie than I do? I feel guilty I have to work and don't get to spend more time with him. However when I am with Kenzie, he has my undivided attention. I spend my days sat on the floor playing with him and helping him learn and develop. I strongly believe that you learn best through play. I guess I’ll always question whether I’m doing enough and whether I could do more, this is one of my own personal demons that I need to overcome.
At the start of 2020, Kenzie had his cochlear implant surgery which was the hardest time of my life. Watching him go through such a difficult time was heartbreaking. But as I watched him grow stronger and stronger each day, I grew stronger and stronger with him. I didn't realise it at the time but when I thought I was being the strong one for him, he was actually being the strong one for me. He showed me everything was going to be OK and together we could get through anything.
He didn't just show me, he showed everyone how amazing and incredibly intelligent he is. He took every hurdle and every milestone and smashed it! He’s turning into the most loving, happy and gorgeous little boy and makes me so proud everyday.
In my last blog I shared how devastated I was and how I blamed myself for what had happened to my little boy. Now I look at Kenzie each day with the biggest smile on my face. I also said that I believe Kenzie was born to make a difference and this I still strongly believe. He’s already achieving that, showing others that you don't need to be afraid and you can get through anything that comes your way.
My advice to my past self and anyone else out there who feels the same as I did then is: Don't worry and stress about the future, you’re not there yet so why worry about something that hasn't happened. Take each day one step at a time and cherish the memories, share the experiences and live your journey growing stronger together.